The King of Pointland

2004

It is a bright warm December 31st and my neighbor is mowing the lawn.

An Open Memo to On-line Advertisers

Does your banner ad blink? Is it animated? Does even a single pixel change color from moment to moment? If so, I will Adblock it. On the other hand, if it is perfectly static, I will let it soak into my subconscious unhindered.

Living Room, Afternoon

For the Record

I saw the movie Closer tonight. It is really quite terrible.

Fair and Balanced

I meant to write about this earlier, but instead, I didn't. Better late than never.

You may be aware that the Cubans are a bit peeved with the U.S. mission there for it's lavish Christmas display, especially a lit-up sign of the number seventy-five calling attention to the seventy-five dissidents Cuba imprisoned this year. In retaliation, the Cubans put up a big billboard across the street with pictures of Iraqi prisoners abused at Abu Ghraib, along with a swastika.

Here's how Chris Wallace described these facts on last week's Fox News Sunday:

Now let`s check out some "Merry Christmas" stories you won`t find on any other Sunday show.

...

In Cuba, Fidel Castro`s government, clearly lacking the holiday spirit, ordered Americans of the U.S. interest section in Havana to take down Christmas decorations. When the diplomats refused, Cuba put up a huge billboard in front of the building showing a swastika and pictures of prisoners allegedly being abused in Iraq.

Now this is an interesting question: did we abuse prisoners at Abu Ghraib? The Cubans allege that we did, but of course the Cubans would say that. As to what really happened, who can say? Certainly not Chris Wallace. And so I award Fox News Channel with the first annual King of Pointland Jingoism Award. Congratulations, FNC, and to all our other contestants, better luck next year!

Blind in a Bind

I spent three hours on the phone this afternoon helping my dad remove spyware from my mom's computer, but we failed to get Rhapsody working again.

Before I go on, it's important not to loose sight of the following: Fuck you who make spyware and adware. I hate you. You are evil. You are the devil.

Much better.

I love my parents, I'm glad to be able to help them with their computers, and I hope to be able to do so in the future. For them, the investment in sixteen years worth of Grape-Nuts, milk, Fruit-of-the-Loom jeans, and so forth is finally paying off. If you're reading this Mom and Dad, don't hesitate to call for help.

But man, few things in life are as frustrating as computer support over the phone. It makes me feel like a blind man with no hands. Consider something as simple as going to a web page. Had I been at the computer myself, it would have taken a few seconds to go to www.sysinternals.com. Over the phone, however, it's "OK, dad, open Firefox and, OK, go to this web page, www.sysinternals.com. No, it's double-you double-you double-you dot ess as in sam why ess as in sam eye en as in nancy tee -- dad, it's short for system internals, but it's just "sysinternals," no, "internals" like your insides, yes! that's right, no, it's plural, sysinternal*S*. OK, is it loading? Good." And he's there, but it took roughly fifteen times longer. My dad isn't stupid, either; in fact he's pretty tech-savvy. It's just the impediment of having to describe what to do over the phone.

Windows XP has a built-in mechanism where one can invite a friend, by email, to remotely control one's computer. I don't know whether it works through firewalls, but I'm inclined to try it.

A Wok on The Wild Side

This past Sunday it was again my turn to host a dinner party for FatCampDC. FatCampDC is an informal club to which I belong. What we do is, we take turns hosting dinner parties. It's great fun because other people cook, while you get to eat and drink and talk and burp, and then you leave. Fun, that is, until December 12th — a far-off date that had been future-David's problem, not yours — rolls around.

Now that it's over, I can happily report that the dinner was a great success. Everybody had seconds, until all the food was gone, and to the best of my knowledge nobody threw up.

Hosting by myself was quite stressful and helped me understand why it would be nice to have a girlfriend. Girlfriends are good for helping you host dinner parties. Also, they will have sex with you. I did get significant assistance from my sou chef posse — Glen, Eileen, John, and Maggie — and Maggie brought salad with the goat cheese, and Kate made ice cream, and others brought wine, and oh my God, so much wine, please come to my house and drink wine because there is too much wine!

What did I make? Potato latkes, Kung Pao! chicken, and not one, but two homemade velvet spice cakes. In the process of preparing for and cooking this meal I have traveled far and learned much. Allow me to share the wisdom gained in the journey, won't you?

Lesson Zero: Deh-ta Hsiung's The Chinese Kitchen is an outstanding cookbook, organized by ingredient, with many beautiful pictures. Should you feel too lazy to cook some evening, just sit back and eat a bag of potato chips while you thumb through the striking photographs of Chinese herbs, spices, vegetables, rural and urban scenes, people, decapitated ducks, and so on.

In addition to describing the ingredients, Hsiung is pretty clear about the basic cooking utensils: "The main items needed are listed below, but the two unique necessities are the wok and the Chinese kitchen knife commonly known as the the Chinese cleaver. Unfortunately any Western counterparts to these will prove expensive and ineffective." In particular, you want to get a carbon steel wok, which must be seasoned before use. Only a carbon steel wok can handle the intense heat required for authentic stir-fry. If you are unsure of where to find these utensils, ask a knowledgeable source, such as your Chinese co-worker.

Lesson One: If your Chinese co-worker tells you to go to Masim, the Chinese grocery store in Silver Spring, call the store first. In that way you will learn that they have been closed for two months, and save yourself a trip.

Lesson Two: Jin Shan, the Chinese grocery store in Rockville that she next recommends will be much better: it is still in business. Here you can find all the ingredients you need, as well as shelf after shelf stocked with undecipherable mystery jars. The old man who works there won't be able to tell you what is in these jars, because he doesn't speak English. He will laugh appreciatively when you try to say "Sheh Shyeh" ("thanks") though, and you'll eventually figure out what's what (Sheh Shyeh, FDA!), including "Soy" sauce, which is just the Chinese word for good old American soy sauce.

What the grocery store won't have are those essential cooking utensils. Cleavers? Forget it. Woks? Well, yes, but most are covered in Teflon. How disappointing. There are a few non-non-stick woks, with welded metal handles that become too hot to hold without oven mitts. If you buy one, and try to season it, it will turn a strange shade of pink, with flecks of peeling metal. Have the good sense to get another wok.

Lesson Three: Take the Green Line to Gallery Place/Chinatown and walk one block to Da Hsin Trading Co. There they sell exactly the wok you want, for ten dollars, and exactly the cleaver you want, dangerously sharp and with a pleasing heft, also for ten dollars. Before you head home, stop by Fado's, get drunk, and threaten people with the wok (but not with the cleaver — there's nothing amusing about that, apparently.)

Lesson Four: If you turn the burner on your electric stove all the way to high, let your wok get nice and hot, and then add a little peanut oil, it will bubble, then smoke, and then burst into flames. If you were careful to add only a little oil, the fire will burn out before burning down the house (shout out to Shizzannon). Still, your trial batch of Kung Pao! chicken will be a little sootier than is usual.

Lesson Five: Making a cake from scratch, especially a butter-based cake, takes much more time and effort than making a Duncan Hines-based cake. It is also more fun. Be careful, though. After you whip the stick and a half of room-temperature butter you may be very tempted to grab a spoon and eat it right there, so creamy and buttery it will be. What you want to do is eat the remaining half-stick of butter beforehand, to help sate your butter jones.

After whipping in the sugar, the mixture should be light in both color and texture. More temptation. Again, resist. When you beat in the egg yolks, but before they are thoroughly mixed, the butter will turn a beautiful, intense, mesmerizing yellow-orange, and you might get the urge to smear it all over your head and sit under a table. Don't.

Lesson Six: Cream of Tartar is actually a powder! What's that all about? Shouldn't they call it Powder of Cream of Tartar?

Lesson Seven: Nothing is quite so delightful as beating clear, gooey egg whites into light, fluffy egg whites with stiff peaks. It's magic! Be sure to use a big bowl: those whites increase in volume many-fold.

Lesson Eight: The basic Potato Latke recipe in Joan Nathan's Jewish Cooking in America leaves something to be desired. True, your latkes will be crisp and tasty, but they will have little structural integrity, falling apart like nobody's business. I guess the "in America" means screwing up basic recipes so that they no longer work. Next time, try adding more eggs. By the way, if you plan to keep your latkes warm in the oven while you make your stir-fry, 200 °F is a bit too warm: the latkes will continue to cook.

Lesson Nine: Your awesome dinner guests will insist on washing dishes. You will force them not to, but they will sneak off and start washing again. Even so, prepare to clean for hours and hours after everybody leaves, and keep in mind that the re-airing of the Sunday morning talk shows on C-SPAN radio will be a poor distraction since you listened to them that afternoon while baking and cleaning.

Just remember to follow these ten easy lessons, and your next Asian-themed Hanukkah dinner party is sure to be a success!

Three Articles

I'll tell you what: I read the paper this morning, and the following articles I enjoyed. Allow me to share them with you:

Barrage of Bullets Drowned Out Cries of Comrades

Learn how Pat Tillman came to die in a hail of friendly fire. I'll think twice the next time I split up my platoon. Seriously, though, this was a tragic, avoidable accident.

From Quiet Teen to Terrorist Suspect

An awkward Dutch youth, the son of an American father and a Dutch mother, becomes an Islamic zealot after catching a thought virus. I'd use the word "meme," but then I'd be one of those people who use the word "meme."

Images of Fighting in Fallujah Compel at Different Levels

The military tries to put a positive spin on Fallujah with a nice PowerPoint presentation. Too bad they have to compete with a blogged-up critic from the Intarweb!

You've got 0wn3d

Does the new NetZero AOL-spoof TV spot rule? Yes, yes it does.