The King of Pointland

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Here follows a cautionary tale, for those who would recklessly announce their plans on the Internets.

Yesterday, during my lunch break, I walked with a spring in my step across Chapel Field over to good old Great Clips for Hair (the McDonald's of haircutting -- the exact same mediocre haircut every time you go). Imagine a Steamboat Willy-era Micky Mouse, but with more hair and smaller pupils. I was excited. I had washed my hair that morning and even used conditioner. The hair stylist was sure to be impressed.

I encountered a slight setback when I noticed the lights in Great Clips were out, and the furniture, the barber chairs, the furnishings -- everything -- was gone, except for some rubbish here and there. At first I thought it must be their lunch break, and I would have to come back, but then it hit me: they were closed . . . for ever. I saw a little sign in the window. It said:

After ten Great years, our lease is up. Great Clips for Hair is leaving this location. We thought it was time give another Great franchise a chance here. It's been Great serving all our Great customers, and please try these other Great locations ...

I stood there for a few minutes, staring at the empty store. I remembered abandoning the Campus Barber for Great Clips when they had their $2 haircut Grand Opening special. But that was only two or three years ago. OK, perhaps four. But ten years? Really?

Yes, it had been ten years.

Then I got misty-eyed thinking about what a great bunch of people ran the Great Clips franchise. Even though they were making money hand over fist, they left their location in the shopping center to give some other entrepreneurs a chance. What swell sports! Or should I say, Great sports.

At this point people started pointing at me and whispering, so I headed on over to the Hair Cuttery as I mulled over the weighty decision I was about to make. Switching barbers is a big step in a man's life, something one does two or three times at most, if one is lucky. Was I ready for this? Could I trust these people, the same people whose ad campaign is "Still N dollars" where N is not fixed? Loews Theatres should adopt this slogan, too. "Catch a movie tonight at Loews Cineplex: Still $9.50!" Then again, that woman in the ads on the side of the Metro bus is pretty cute, and she hasn't aged a day in a decade. What's her secret? The Hair Cuttery, presumably.

When I arrived at the HC, though, I was greeted by another sign! "We will open at 5 PM today due to a staff meeting." For just a moment I entertained the thought of heading over to "Bananas," but I decided I didn't want to have my hair cut at a place named "Bananas." And in any case, some supernatural force was sending me a message, loud and clear: no haircut for you. So I had lunch at the Bagel Place.

The cashier, who was very attractive, and female, too, said, "Wow, I love your hair, it's so unkempt and hot. What are you doing for the next 30 minutes? I live right around the corner, and my bisexual roommate and I have been thinking ..." If this were just about every drama on TV today, you'd hear a voice-over at this point, the cashier saying, "Sir? Sir?" and a cut to me blinking my eyes as I awake from my reverie . This isn't a TV drama, though, so I'll just conclude with a hearty "Sike!" I did go to the Bagel Place, though. That part was true.

Later that afternoon I grew angry and defiant. The gods would not thwart my tonsorial plans. To hell with them. So after work I went back to the Hair Cuttery where an unsmiling Asian woman cut my hair with robot-like efficiency.

The End.

Posted by cradle at October 28, 2004 11:31 PM